Saturday, December 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Sex is the thrusting enjoyment of finding that magical spot that exceeds all emotions mind, body and soul. I wonder at times how the fantasy of just that simple task could aware every physically nonexistent nasty bone in your body. It is this form of fornication that any and everyone has in common whether coming of age or hitting menopause. When does it become too much? When it clouds your every reasonable judgment just to have another taste. You know he/she is no good but just the thought of being inside of them or taking every inch of their sweet madness overweighs even the simplest of equations. I don’t think its wrong to indulge in dangerous as long as you know its place, it’s coming to accept and explore your boundaries that will keep you sane NOT denial. As I sit here listening to Pleasure P’s “Under” I wonder to myself what kind of mental state of mind do you have to be in to fully understand the mind of a freak? I personally do not believe in that word I would rather like to call them intricate detailers of sexual splendor. There. That’s a much better description. If I break down every possible avenue of a sexual encounter it all has one thing in common; finding that perfect match to your sexual hunger. Some are so lucky as to involve the mental state of mind into their love escapades, this to me is the pinnacle of LOVE MAKING. When you can shut your eyes and see every intense color of the rainbow, as your body takes in this overwhelming burst of uncontrollable calmness. Every touch is rarer than the last and you experience the link between here and love’s heaven. Not all your sexual endeavors will be as lucky as this but I believe that something positive can be found even in your worst horror story. Some are better at it than others and for this they are sometimes categorized as sluts, whores, and professionals; but to me only when they have poor practice habits is when they become a danger to this sacred form of ecstasy. I’m not saying spreading your love thin is acceptable but I am saying if you are going to dive deep into your own world while sharing it with others be sure the decision you have made is the right one. People always can talk a good game but if you aren’t ready don’t jump into the fire without a hose. Sex is beautiful but when not in the right mind frame it can have many faces. Never let others dictate to you because most likely they will be far off from what you want or desire, and suppressing your desires only turn from minor to major. Not all of our choices in life are going to be right but more of them will be accommodating than outwardly explainable. Some women/men can’t explain their attraction to an unfair sexual situation, but at the end of the day its sex. Never feel like you have to make an excuse for the same thing your friends enjoy as you do, when you are MENTALLY ready to PHYSICALLY detach yourself from someone you will do it but until then enjoy what the situation is there for. Explore every inch of yourself whether alone or not and figure out what makes you peak to even the farthest corner of your unknown. Some people only get as far as their appetizer rarely feeding upon their feast. Having only one life to live and one mind/body to please they go hand in hand so don’t deny either what it desires whether it be knowledge or love. Heartbreak will come and go, so if we got to go through the storm we should at least know how to comfortably swim deep.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
ONE SIDE LOVE AFFAIR
He walks across the room and even though his direction is clear, my mind wanders in more ways than one. Gazing into his eyes I can never just envision the color, but the future that I so badly wish to be a part of. He pulls at my heart as if it never resided in my chest; I flow as smooth and rhythmic as a stream leading to its fall. So much chemistry when the lights are off, so much confusion when the lights are on. What am I? Where exactly do I fit into your life of accomplishments when I’m not too sure of this accomplishment? How do I express to you how a single touch keeps me confused and dazed but never unsure when your ringtone has my fingers dancing to the beat just long enough to realize that I will get another taste of you. As you can imagine it’s never long enough to hear the second line to that song, the song I chose you to be no matter near or far you are what I think of wholeheartedly. I have other ringtones but they all seem to simply repeat themselves in which my voicemail gladly welcomes their attempt to be what you are. All I see are red flags when it comes to the things you say but my vision lacks VISION, in a sense that even if I saw it unfold like a perfectly performed play I would clap in applause of your insensitive act called “I’m only a man”. In between the love making and the distant fights that only last a couple of pages in our book of a tormented love affair I gaze often at you to see if maybe your expressions will change, maybe just maybe you will give me what I’ve been longing for. I cant see how the days can go by so rapidly and not even the shortest of texts make it from your phone to mine, I stay busy, but even in between my somewhat hectic schedule you are there like the periods to every sentence. Why can’t you just love me? A good woman I am but it seems the equation just becomes longer and more complicated as the months roll by; maybe I just don’t have the answer. But it seems when I’m in your vicinity I never ask these questions, never wonder about the negative because the positive is so powerful like a force that only you bring with your presence. As you give me all that a man has to love I lay my head back eyes closed wanting to remember this moment forever. WE JUST…CLICK. Her sex is what always keeps coming back; it overshadows the ignorance of her premonition thoughts of a relationship that I could never commit to. When I get her naked it’s the challenge that drives me to overcome her love’s power that continuously shines so bright. But I am who I am and my shades never come off, the little text messages showing how she is inches away from pouring out her heart get deleted as fast as they are read. No special ringtone, no skip of my heart beat when she calls, but in a way I feel bad at times that I can’t give her what she wants. She is so sensually exotic when it comes to loving every inch of me, I know when I call she will always be there ready and willing. Maybe one day I will come around but right now if given the option of marriage or death her name wouldn’t even cross this mind of mine. Women forget at times that love is earned, its not something every man gives when just plainly asked for. I SHALL NOT LIVE A LIE TO SMILE IN YOURS if I know that my gut feelings are what have kept me above water my whole life. It just doesn’t feel right she isn’t the one. There are so many women in my vicinity that they all at times look the same, I may as well cover my eyes put them in a circle and spin like an empty bottle. When a man is ready to be what you need, he will be but until then to force me close is to push me farther. How can she know for sure that she can love me when she can’t even relate to every aspect of my life I have to live? To me this is a fantasy that ends in a burst of energy so powerful that for that moment my life isn’t complicated but that’s all that I have taken from this situation. I JUST CANT. As he puts on his clothes piece by piece I wonder why I torment myself for this moment of pleasure. I wonder do I love him at all or is this just my way of fulfilling that need TO BE loved? I wait. I wait for this moment to pass in disbelief only for the negative in it to disappear and my thoughts return back on the task at hand: TO HOPE FOR HIM TO LOVE ME. Dressed and ready for this to end once again her disappointment is what I see plain as day on her face, if my life were nothing but a directionless rollercoaster ride I would take her with me. But if she can’t handle this small crevice of my life how could she handle it all. HE LEAVES. I STAY and live to love him once again through the pain. Maybe this life is here to enjoy our happiness even if it’s just for a night. I know another can love me better, but maybe I don’t want better.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
All of my life I have experienced the wrath of psychological damage upon a woman’s upbringing and troubles with differentiating what she loves verses what she blindly desires. My dreams are those of any typical woman coming from any background and that is to have security and happiness that I can call my own. I lived an early sheltered life followed by a whirl wind of smokey mirrors where all that seemed grand was truly empty and painfully hypnotic. The love for an industry that rarely loves back like a fatherless child in need of a solid role model. I have been transformed into a different person some positive and some not, but I have always held the refusal to ever stop or back down. Positivity has always been a major part of my life and thinking process. If I get a chance to experience something so special and something that will mean so much to so many women of different ages I will have done my part as a woman myself scorned but never torn. The video and magazine world makes you feel as if people love YOU and not just your look, as if they see the beautiful person that your family or loved ones sees. When truly it is all just work, it is all just for the advancement of that company and a lot of women like myself get caught up in the glam and excitement of flashing across a tv screen making more money in a day than you ever had in a month can really ware down on the person that you are. I had never lived to hear as many lies and deceitful promises as I have in the past 5 years of being referred to as a model. The game is so messed up to the point where the women are the ones who have to live the trash end of the bargain. I have been blessed enough to move forward with my life and create a space for myself that not only promotes positivity but has given me the strength to wake every morning without having to think about all the decisions good/bad that I have made up to this point in my life. We as women should just accept the fact that we WILL have it hard but if we stick together and love ourselves the way we feel men should love and support us we will succeed. A love from a man can be so beautiful but only when we as women have ourselves together and in a mind frame that the only man you need in your life is God. I know what it feels to be lost in a familiar room, or lonely in a crowd of repetitive faces. I know what it feels to wake in the morning completely lost and without even a trace of a road to follow. But Im still standing on firm ground.