WE NEED THE LIES

They say honesty is the best policy but they never tell you what you get when you invest in this policy. Then release you to the world for you to live, love and learn. The one thing they never tell you is how to stay happy, how to continue to wear a smile and how to always be thankful and never have a moment where you just want to say FUCK IT. I have learned that even from some of the closest friends that I have that sometimes you have to bend the rules to truly be happy. To truly wake up in the morning and feel that rush of love and overwhelming joy sometimes you have to take your forbidden secrets and fantasies and make them come true, or suffer the consequences of should've could've would've. When I was young I used to think that when I got older I would find a man who loved me for the simplest reasons and those reasons would stretch over the period of our lifetime and wrap themselves around me like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer. Everything screams love and if you wait long enough for this soulmate without a name or face you would live eternally grateful for that day you and that person crossed paths. They never really read you the small print at the bottom of the page that says that you can be happy but you may have to endure some of life's greatest hardships to wear that smile on your face, everything in life has a price. You want to believe that one person can fulfill almost all the things in life that causes your heart to love a little harder with each passing day, you want to believe that the person you gave your heart to guards it as safe as the very lungs you take each breathe from. What if we need lies? Lies are not all bad lies and they make you feel good sometimes to embellish or to make things seem more important than they really are. It makes you feel as if your life has more meaning and your words hold more strength, you like to lie because it can get you out of unwanted situations or get you in between the legs of someone you never thought you would be able to experience just being yourself. You tell lies on sick days, you tell lies to your spouse when you want to get off the phone to watch the game. Maybe lies are not so bad if like with everything else you only lie when necessary and when you know you cant get caught. Maybe smokey mirrors are needed so that you can never see all of life's little smudges that never wash away. Sadness can engulf you when the truth isn't what you want it to be, but then again when you find out the truth behind the lies it hurts even worse. What if what you think is right is really wrong and what you want to do on impulse is your conscious telling that your first instinct is always the right one. You could be married and love another and what if those two people are what you need to be happy and to honestly wake up every morning and feel that your life is worth living. The connections we make in this lifetime are the greatest memories that we will ever hold and when those final days come upon you no materialistic or moralistic judgement that never MOVED YOU will stand out in a mind that grows fuzzier as time marches on. I think when things you want to hold onto just seems to completely slip out of your hands every time and your tears seem to replace those pearly white smiles, its time for you to move on to the next phase of your life. I want to create my own little world where my feelings always come first and everyone around me will question my motives and all I will do is smile and laugh and turn my head and keep upon my path. I want to trample on the feelings of others who do not respect my space and I want to be the one to hang up the phone and never text back without so much as an urge to act against my greater judgement. I will make others cry who dont believe in me but continue to linger around in my circle. I promise to lie everyday of my life for the rest of my life if my happiness sees fit, because my truth may live in my lies but you will never know because they come from a place you can never go.

DEAR MR. PERFECTION

Every room that I believe you will eventually walk into is where I want to be. I love you, what can I say my sweet hatred for you as a person is well above danger level but for some reason the option of leaving is as foreign as Japan’s exchange rate. You haven’t touched me in so long and yet every morning I feel your hand silently sliding up against my inner thigh and my every movement keeps your fingernails dancing lightly against the most sensitive part of my heart. Its funny how your past replays itself at its own advantage, your option to press replay is like believing Santa brings his fat ass down your narrow chimney. What can you say? Nothing at all which is why I live this vivid fantasy in my mind. If you could peak into my head when my eyes are closed R rated is that of PG. I don’t know if it’s you really, to be honest it might just be what I want you to be. I want you to come through my door push me hastily into the nearest corner while lifting me up and forcing me to love every minute of your presence while I shed tears of sweet surrender. Its one thing to share with someone how explosive their imaginary love makes you feel, its hard enough for me to even keep my legs closed and my mouth dry when your voice soothes my very being. Explosive conversation takes my dreams from a fantasy to a ménage a trios involving your perfection, my deep secret and the very wetness that marinates long after this sinful disease continues to entangle itself around my very soul. Hello Mr. Perfection my name is Summer I love long walks on the beach and would like an option to buy you, tell you to cut the bullshit and love me whole heartedly. Can I tell you what to say in advance and let you know what rhythm matches me best? I can whisper in your ear my favorite flowers and text you my favorite chocolates. Do you dare argue Mr. Perfection? That part of the contract is binding you are what I say you are because you are what I wish you would be. I wish you would call me and tell me that its all been a crude game of cat & mouse. Your tired of the bullshit and the foggy mirrors and wish to lay your heart on the nearest curb with a chance of me once again running over it. I wish I could take my words of frustration, ball them up and throw them over the nearest building in hopes of never having to speak them again. I guess this is how its suppose to be Mr. Perfection. Maybe if I knew you and you left yourself open then I would have a different name for you. There is no such thing as a perfect lover, but since my fingers are what I’m working with and my mind races at the very thought of you I will continue to have that fantasy till the day comes that I know you wont be coming at all.

SEX IN RARE FORM

Sex is the thrusting enjoyment of finding that magical spot that exceeds all emotions mind, body and soul. I wonder at times how the fantasy of just that simple task could aware every physically nonexistent nasty bone in your body. It is this form of fornication that any and everyone has in common whether coming of age or hitting menopause. When does it become too much? When it clouds your every reasonable judgment just to have another taste. You know he/she is no good but just the thought of being inside of them or taking every inch of their sweet madness overweighs even the simplest of equations. I don’t think its wrong to indulge in dangerous as long as you know its place, it’s coming to accept and explore your boundaries that will keep you sane NOT denial. As I sit here listening to Pleasure P’s “Under” I wonder to myself what kind of mental state of mind do you have to be in to fully understand the mind of a freak? I personally do not believe in that word I would rather like to call them intricate detailers of sexual splendor. There. That’s a much better description. If I break down every possible avenue of a sexual encounter it all has one thing in common; finding that perfect match to your sexual hunger. Some are so lucky as to involve the mental state of mind into their love escapades, this to me is the pinnacle of LOVE MAKING. When you can shut your eyes and see every intense color of the rainbow, as your body takes in this overwhelming burst of uncontrollable calmness. Every touch is rarer than the last and you experience the link between here and love’s heaven. Not all your sexual endeavors will be as lucky as this but I believe that something positive can be found even in your worst horror story. Some are better at it than others and for this they are sometimes categorized as sluts, whores, and professionals; but to me only when they have poor practice habits is when they become a danger to this sacred form of ecstasy. I’m not saying spreading your love thin is acceptable but I am saying if you are going to dive deep into your own world while sharing it with others be sure the decision you have made is the right one. People always can talk a good game but if you aren’t ready don’t jump into the fire without a hose. Sex is beautiful but when not in the right mind frame it can have many faces. Never let others dictate to you because most likely they will be far off from what you want or desire, and suppressing your desires only turn from minor to major. Not all of our choices in life are going to be right but more of them will be accommodating than outwardly explainable.  Some women/men can’t explain their attraction to an unfair sexual situation, but at the end of the day its sex. Never feel like you have to make an excuse for the same thing your friends enjoy as you do, when you are MENTALLY ready to PHYSICALLY detach yourself from someone you will do it but until then enjoy what the situation is there for. Explore every inch of yourself whether alone or not and figure out what makes you peak to even the farthest corner of your unknown. Some people only get as far as their appetizer rarely feeding upon their feast. Having only one life to live and one mind/body to please they go hand in hand so don’t deny either what it desires whether it be knowledge or love. Heartbreak will come and go, so if we got to go through the storm we should at least know how to comfortably swim deep.

ONE SIDE LOVE AFFAIR

He walks across the room and even though his direction is clear, my mind wanders in more ways than one. Gazing into his eyes I can never just envision the color, but the future that I so badly wish to be a part of. He pulls at my heart as if it never resided in my chest; I flow as smooth and rhythmic as a stream leading to its fall. So much chemistry when the lights are off, so much confusion when the lights are on. What am I? Where exactly do I fit into your life of accomplishments when I’m not too sure of this accomplishment?  How do I express to you how a single touch keeps me confused and dazed but never unsure when your ringtone has my fingers dancing to the beat just long enough to realize that I will get another taste of you. As you can imagine it’s never long enough to hear the second line to that song, the song I chose you to be no matter near or far you are what I think of wholeheartedly. I have other ringtones but they all seem to simply repeat themselves in which my voicemail gladly welcomes their attempt to be what you are. All I see are red flags when it comes to the things you say but my vision lacks VISION, in a sense that even if I saw it unfold like a perfectly performed play I would clap in applause of your insensitive act called “I’m only a man”. In between the love making and the distant fights that only last a couple of pages in our book of a tormented love affair I gaze often at you to see if maybe your expressions will change, maybe just maybe you will give me what I’ve been longing for. I cant see how the days can go by so rapidly and not even the shortest of texts make it from your phone to mine, I stay busy, but even in between my somewhat hectic schedule you are there like the periods to every sentence.  Why can’t you just love me? A good woman I am but it seems the equation just becomes longer and more complicated as the months roll by; maybe I just don’t have the answer. But it seems when I’m in your vicinity I never ask these questions, never wonder about the negative because the positive is so powerful like a force that only you bring with your presence. As you give me all that a man has to love I lay my head back eyes closed wanting to remember this moment forever. WE JUST…CLICK. Her sex is what always keeps coming back; it overshadows the ignorance of her premonition thoughts of a relationship that I could never commit to. When I get her naked it’s the challenge that drives me to overcome her love’s power that continuously shines so bright. But I am who I am and my shades never come off, the little text messages showing how she is inches away from pouring out her heart get deleted as fast as they are read. No special ringtone, no skip of my heart beat when she calls, but in a way I feel bad at times that I can’t give her what she wants. She is so sensually exotic when it comes to loving every inch of me, I know when I call she will always be there ready and willing. Maybe one day I will come around but right now if given the option of marriage or death her name wouldn’t even cross this mind of mine. Women forget at times that love is earned, its not something every man gives when just plainly asked for. I SHALL NOT LIVE A LIE TO SMILE IN YOURS if I know that my gut feelings are what have kept me above water my whole life. It just doesn’t feel right she isn’t the one. There are so many women in my vicinity that they all at times look the same, I may as well cover my eyes put them in a circle and spin like an empty bottle. When a man is ready to be what you need, he will be but until then to force me close is to push me farther. How can she know for sure that she can love me when she can’t even relate to every aspect of my life I have to live? To me this is a fantasy that ends in a burst of energy so powerful that for that moment my life isn’t complicated but that’s all that I have taken from this situation.  I JUST CANT. As he puts on his clothes piece by piece I wonder why I torment myself for this moment of pleasure. I wonder do I love him at all or is this just my way of fulfilling that need TO BE loved? I wait. I wait for this moment to pass in disbelief only for the negative in it to disappear and my thoughts return back on the task at hand: TO HOPE FOR HIM TO LOVE ME.  Dressed and ready for this to end once again her disappointment is what I see plain as day on her face, if my life were nothing but a directionless rollercoaster ride I would take her with me. But if she can’t handle this small crevice of my life how could she handle it all. HE LEAVES. I STAY and live to love him once again through the pain. Maybe this life is here to enjoy our happiness even if it’s just for a night. I know another can love me better, but maybe I don’t want better.

INDUSTRY MAN

With his new found fame and a smile that could melt butter, you believe him to be almost inhuman. Business deals, conference calls that invigorates that very industry that only moves to the talents of those who have the key to those golden gates. He dresses so plain yet glides so suave in his sweats and nikes. His mandatory list of things that no successful man should go without includes his whips, his home and the ladies he caresses without a single touch but gives them the visual satisfaction of an orgasmic night filled with passion through the VERY eyes they have had since birth as they skim over what they believe could be their's without physical efforts. It's funny what money does for you, but fame is a whole other conjunction of troubles and unrealistic broken boundaries. They show up in places that you know but only love the places you don't go. They make love to the women that you want the most, but wife up the ones that made it through the vicious "you should be a model" bit and remained themselves either encouraged or are just now making it out of the legal gates. Why do they get these reigns of knowledge that supposedly pours into our youth to better their minds and feed their humming souls? What makes talent "talent" these days? Where are the 2Pacs? Biggies? What makes you press the back button eagerly swaying to the beat as the entrance moves you the most. What makes your eyes remain closed as you dream so vividly past your desires into a realm of complete satisfaction, or what makes you bob your head as if your worries couldn't dare to compare to the struggle you live day to day while their freestyles FREE you. Women love them without any preliminary thoughts just a free pass for this industry man, and yet when he refuses to call your heart bleeds as if the effort wasn't just lust but a blinding love. You never loved him, you never knew him as we never knew him because even if everyone doubts this industry man he continues to strive for what he can not even see himself. He hungered in the beginning for this so called fame and fortune, mirror after blinding mirror he found out that his plan's needs changed like the wind. That industry man you wonder why he stays so secret when all you say to yourself is that he is THE ONE. But you forget that with one wrong turn he can fall and that industry man you desired so much with the extra lean in his step looks much duller, less extravagant and more regular than you would have ever imagined him. Poor industry man once admired for much and hated by many, to barely a phone call and bills are tormenting morning after morning. So what makes this industry man if his talent doesn't live beyond the length of his songs? how do you remain in an industry that doesn't even know what it's made of? Has lost its edge and in need of that deep penetration, real lyricism, and music from the soul. What makes that industry man truly talented in a time thats damn near TALENTLESS? In a time where a dance or happy meal comes with an album that isn't worth the packaging it came in? I guess we will never know what the industry man and his so called talents is worth these days, or is vain and non substance fame all that this industry has to offer this industry man with his industry dreams.

NAKED

Naked is my thing, to strip myself exclusively for the world to see. To caress what another has to ask to experience. Love for many is an act of stretched kindness and a blind sited reason to cry, be obsessive, or just occupy their time so as to not have to focus on themselves. And yet project anger onto their loved ones for the simple pleasure of taking it out on their spouse. Whatever the reason may be its never a good enough reason to miss out on how you can take out the time to fall in love with yourself again or for the first time. To be able to touch yourself and view yourself in a way that no one else can see but you. I strip myself at times and just look in the mirror, because I already know what's going on in my head but do I always have a clear vision of myself? It's nice at times to go back to the basics of love, lust and personal self enjoyment. Like when I first got my boobs, my first bra, bikini and first compliments entering my womanhood. I once entered a moment in my life when I gained weight and hated the space I was in. Sometimes my hair didnt lay right, makeup would never look up to par, clothes not fitting or falling JUST right. Is it all in your mind but rarely projected into your visual persona? Sometimes I lay in bed and I move in a position that makes my body pleasing from the corner of my eye. Or when Im in the shower I try to catch a glimpse, do you love what you see? You may think its easy to say when you THINK someone else has it easy from the outside looking in. But this isn't about me, its about the fact that so many people wake up morning after morning and hate what they see, hate their job, hate to shop only to have clothing not picking out what they wish they could, hate to have to walk around and FEEL like they aren't where they want to be. I don't look at exercising or self discipline as a way to show everyone what I got. I workout because it adds to my positivity, it satisfies my need my hunger for self righteousness, and it adds to me waking in the morning and smiling at myself in the mirror. Not for my man, not for modeling, not to show up other women. It's just so that I can wake up and enjoy being NAKED. It's something that I can control regardless of if the world around me is the exact opposite. No bra and panties JUST me and all that I'm physically made up and capable of. So what about you? How do you feel when your stripped of the world around you and required to take an honest look at yourself? Because even though my life is a whirlwind of decisive decision making I always have the most beautiful smile when its all under my feet spread messily on the floor. I love to be Naked.

Just Me....

All of my life I have experienced the wrath of psychological damage upon a woman’s upbringing and troubles with differentiating what she loves verses what she blindly desires. My dreams are those of any typical woman coming from any background and that is to have security and happiness that I can call my own. I lived an early sheltered life followed by a whirl wind of smokey mirrors where all that seemed grand was truly empty and painfully hypnotic. The love for an industry that rarely loves back like a fatherless child in need of a solid role model. I have been transformed into a different person some positive and some not, but I have always held the refusal to ever stop or back down. Positivity has always been a major part of my life and thinking process. If I get a chance to experience something so special and something that will mean so much to so many women of different ages I will have done my part as a woman myself scorned but never torn. The video and magazine world makes you feel as if people love YOU and not just your look, as if they see the beautiful person that your family or loved ones sees. When truly it is all just work, it is all just for the advancement of that company and a lot of women like myself get caught up in the glam and excitement of flashing across a tv screen making more money in a day than you ever had in a month can really ware down on the person that you are. I had never lived to hear as many lies and deceitful promises as I have in the past 5 years of being referred to as a model. The game is so messed up to the point where the women are the ones who have to live the trash end of the bargain. I have been blessed enough to move forward with my life and create a space for myself that not only promotes positivity but has given me the strength to wake every morning without having to think about all the decisions good/bad that I have made up to this point in my life. We as women should just accept the fact that we WILL have it hard but if we stick together and love ourselves the way we feel men should love and support us we will succeed. A love from a man can be so beautiful but only when we as women have ourselves together and in a mind frame that the only man you need in your life is God. I know what it feels to be lost in a familiar room, or lonely in a crowd of repetitive faces. I know what it feels to wake in the morning completely lost and without even a trace of a road to follow. But Im still standing on firm ground.