ONE SIDE LOVE AFFAIR

He walks across the room and even though his direction is clear, my mind wanders in more ways than one. Gazing into his eyes I can never just envision the color, but the future that I so badly wish to be a part of. He pulls at my heart as if it never resided in my chest; I flow as smooth and rhythmic as a stream leading to its fall. So much chemistry when the lights are off, so much confusion when the lights are on. What am I? Where exactly do I fit into your life of accomplishments when I’m not too sure of this accomplishment?  How do I express to you how a single touch keeps me confused and dazed but never unsure when your ringtone has my fingers dancing to the beat just long enough to realize that I will get another taste of you. As you can imagine it’s never long enough to hear the second line to that song, the song I chose you to be no matter near or far you are what I think of wholeheartedly. I have other ringtones but they all seem to simply repeat themselves in which my voicemail gladly welcomes their attempt to be what you are. All I see are red flags when it comes to the things you say but my vision lacks VISION, in a sense that even if I saw it unfold like a perfectly performed play I would clap in applause of your insensitive act called “I’m only a man”. In between the love making and the distant fights that only last a couple of pages in our book of a tormented love affair I gaze often at you to see if maybe your expressions will change, maybe just maybe you will give me what I’ve been longing for. I cant see how the days can go by so rapidly and not even the shortest of texts make it from your phone to mine, I stay busy, but even in between my somewhat hectic schedule you are there like the periods to every sentence.  Why can’t you just love me? A good woman I am but it seems the equation just becomes longer and more complicated as the months roll by; maybe I just don’t have the answer. But it seems when I’m in your vicinity I never ask these questions, never wonder about the negative because the positive is so powerful like a force that only you bring with your presence. As you give me all that a man has to love I lay my head back eyes closed wanting to remember this moment forever. WE JUST…CLICK. Her sex is what always keeps coming back; it overshadows the ignorance of her premonition thoughts of a relationship that I could never commit to. When I get her naked it’s the challenge that drives me to overcome her love’s power that continuously shines so bright. But I am who I am and my shades never come off, the little text messages showing how she is inches away from pouring out her heart get deleted as fast as they are read. No special ringtone, no skip of my heart beat when she calls, but in a way I feel bad at times that I can’t give her what she wants. She is so sensually exotic when it comes to loving every inch of me, I know when I call she will always be there ready and willing. Maybe one day I will come around but right now if given the option of marriage or death her name wouldn’t even cross this mind of mine. Women forget at times that love is earned, its not something every man gives when just plainly asked for. I SHALL NOT LIVE A LIE TO SMILE IN YOURS if I know that my gut feelings are what have kept me above water my whole life. It just doesn’t feel right she isn’t the one. There are so many women in my vicinity that they all at times look the same, I may as well cover my eyes put them in a circle and spin like an empty bottle. When a man is ready to be what you need, he will be but until then to force me close is to push me farther. How can she know for sure that she can love me when she can’t even relate to every aspect of my life I have to live? To me this is a fantasy that ends in a burst of energy so powerful that for that moment my life isn’t complicated but that’s all that I have taken from this situation.  I JUST CANT. As he puts on his clothes piece by piece I wonder why I torment myself for this moment of pleasure. I wonder do I love him at all or is this just my way of fulfilling that need TO BE loved? I wait. I wait for this moment to pass in disbelief only for the negative in it to disappear and my thoughts return back on the task at hand: TO HOPE FOR HIM TO LOVE ME.  Dressed and ready for this to end once again her disappointment is what I see plain as day on her face, if my life were nothing but a directionless rollercoaster ride I would take her with me. But if she can’t handle this small crevice of my life how could she handle it all. HE LEAVES. I STAY and live to love him once again through the pain. Maybe this life is here to enjoy our happiness even if it’s just for a night. I know another can love me better, but maybe I don’t want better.